The trauma of losing my job came with an instant rush of adrenaline that screamed – WTF!!! You know that reptilian brain one that wants to start attacking whatever danger is here or RUN. My eyes saw danger and that kicked everything else into action. There was nothing to fight, and nowhere to run, just the pigment evaporating breathless shock of seeing someone I never saw before my scheduled weekly Zoom meeting. “Bob” from People and Culture (P&C) being there confirmed my paranoia.

There was nothing I could do that would change a process that was now at the final stage – letting me know how they decided what would happen to me. “I’m sure you know what this is about,” my manager started off, as he introduced Bob. Everything, even the customary seven seconds of silence was rehearsed before they started explaining to me how the exit process would continue. They explained my severance package would be, how medical coverage would transition, and how my next employer could confirm my work history.

The ball was in their court, and they were executing their game-plan flawlessly. It was going so well I could see the poorly disguised joy on a toxic manager’s face after he looked at his wristwatch. To him this call would end like the one before – ahead of schedule, but “IF” is one hell of an unpredictable variable when I  am that IF. I have never been one to bite my tongue. This has been both medicine and poison at times in my career, but today it would be justice.

When we got to the section where they asked if I had anything to say things changed. I was not rude, emotional, or unprofessional. I was human. My tone mirrored theirs, and my true feelings were indistinguishable. Bob was unaware that I was also tracking my manager’s actions. I knew he was trying to “manage me out of the business” because this cadre of toxic leaders were all hired by the same person. My research showed their history of moving through companies together with a three-year rotation.

My response started with an acknowledgement of a decision that had been made. I didn’t get into pleasantries, just stuck to the facts. I highlighted and showed clear evidence of all the actions he had taken to blackball me to include chat conversations with hiring managers who shared that this manager was directly involved in a smear campaign against me. When Bob saw the overwhelming evidence, his facial expression showed fear. This was the moment he realized he and his department were lied to.

Maybe this was the first time things clicked, but it was clear he understood what he was doing was wrong and it was too late to change the decision. Dutifully he stuck to the script and played his part which meant he had a job and his family would still be financially stable… for today. But there might come a day where the very system that employed him could turn against him as it had for me.

I was given five workdays to review the terms they provided me that Friday afternoon. Getting let go from a job is devastating no matter when it happens, but on a Friday has a special sting to it. I took every second the contract allowed me. I also spoke to any lawyer who would speak to me without a retainer; this was a major blocker. I knew I had a slam dunk win, but $500 for a consultation in the face of an unplanned loss of income is what drove me to accepting the terms of their illegal and wrongful termination of my employment. The money was a buffer, but nothing could have prepared me for the emotional roller-coaster the coming months would turn into.

I cannot express to you what weight-loss from stress and depression looks like in a mirror, but if you also graduated from that course, you’ll understand what I’m saying. There is a frustration about money when you are working that turns into a suffocation when you’re not. Breathing is different when the ration of money you have highlights a forgotten membership fee. This stress steals the flavor from your favorite restaurant when you don’t know when the next influx of money may be. I also cannot expect you to know how it feels to have a nightmare wake you up into a different nightmare.

I had to remind myself daily:

• You are not as skilled or special as you and those who know you say you are to a stranger.
• You are competing against shadows in a dark room when you blindly send a resume out to an application.
• Unless you have certifications that are not expired getting new ones only adds to the stress of finding a new job.
• Finding a new job is your new job.
• You MUST reach out to people and make human connections! This is not negotiable. It is literally the most important part of finding a job.
• Your application has been rejected not you.
  • The rejections NEVER get easier.
• You can only work at one company, you just need one yes.
• It’s best to have two offers.
• Not all recruiters are good at their jobs. Some are so lazy it will prevent you from getting a job.
• You made it to the level of your profession that you are at because you did that, not anyone else.

I had to speak louder than my doubt and self-destruction. I had to create a mantra that broke my rules of living in the past. I needed my past to help me look forward. My present was too bleak, too dark, too hopeless, and that made imagining better seem delusional. I needed delusion because I also had to hide my weakness from those who needed me to stay strong for them.

As a husband and father, I needed to put my fears and worry to the side so my home could be the potential for a better future. I needed them to live without my worry so I could imagine living without it too. If I couldn’t find a reason to smile, watching them smile gave me one. Having a purpose even if it wasn’t tied to an income lifted me high enough that I was able to alternate a surviving breath with an inspirational look on to a horizon that showed a break in the storm. God corrected that – I just needed to apply the patience. I needed to chip away doubt, fear, insecurity, and most of all neediness. Desperation would enslave me and this unemployment was an opportunity to be free. I was gifted a chance to make my next move and I did.

I stopped being busy to focus on being productive. I had a system that worked in the past, but it needed an upgrade to work now.

What did I do that worked?

 That last one is how I landed my job. In this world where everyone is afraid AI will take their jobs those hiring are afraid that AI is applying for the job too. Be the human element. If you are applying for a new job that you don’t want to relocate to, make yourself seen where you are so your prospective new employer knows that you are a person who shows up. That’s how I got re-employed. I had to fire myself from my job of looking for a job to accept a new role in my existing career.