I know that in a year from today I’m going to look back at the amount of time I actually spent on the mats. When I do I know that I’m going to say ” you could have done a lot more.” I hope that when that time comes however, I will be strong enough to correct my own words. To start myself in that moment. To pause in a reflection of this moment, and remind myself of this exact statement:
“Today you say that last year you could have given a lot more, because in this moment you can give a lot more. But if we’re being real with ourselves you gave everything that you had available…”
Do more seems to be the Mantra of my generation. Amantra that will be engraved in our headstones because we have worked ourselves to an early death. We do more, then we do more still, because we want to impress our parents generation. The exact same generation that we make fun of whenever we see someone doing too much.
I know that time will pass, and the love of the fight, of training to exhaustion, of knowing that I’m going to get burned out in the middle of a sparring match but I’m still going to push harder until that moment comes. I know that in time I will fall in love again with being on the mat, but right now it seems like we’re going through a little bit of rough patch in our marriage.
Today the mats represent the physical exhaustion that is keeping the real demons at bay. Being on the match is more than just showing up and getting a few good rolls and we’re learning something new. Being on the match right now is the one place where I don’t feel like an imposter.
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